sleep is hard.

#Reflection
18th Sun of the 10th Moon Cycle
I told myself this "morning" after waking up at 1 pm - that I would go to bed at a reasonable time.

At the time of writing - it is currently 12:35 AM. 1.5 hours after my intended rest time.

I meant to do some work today - work has been hard for me lately. I'm still pretty good at it, even as I sluggishly trudge through each day like a man with concrete for shoes. Instead I did some work tonight - starting so late as 11 PM.

I did the work. I wrote some requirements, a lot of requirements. Took me that whole 1.5 hours that I meant to be sleeping to instead delve into old code, and write business requirements for the new code.

Am I stupid? I don't think so. Why is it that my energy spikes so much right before I mean to crawl into bed? It's something that has plagued me since I was a child. I would lie awake in bed before the first day of school - something I was almost always ecstatic for - and not rest. Not due to anxiety or thought as far as I've ever been able to tell (not that I often believe myself a trust worthy narrator of my own story).

Here I am once again driven to read one of the five books I'm reading all at once. I'm of course leaning to something more challenging, though I could pickup the Flames of the Dark Crystal - I'd like to finish that series this year; but no; I'm instead drawn to pick up the Brain that Changes Itself. A book on neuroplasticity. A topic that I've been deeply interested in, Barbara Arrowsmith Young studied the development of youths with ADHD finding they no longer needed their medicines to maintain focus due to their exercises - topics like this of course for someone whose mind streams an endless slop of intellectual abstraction and brain rot.

All the same, I could be putting on my eye mask and laying down but instead I'm writing another piece on the Digital Garden. I'm sure I'll do this many times having now started this. I would like to be more . . . gentle? . . . in my implementation of this new practice - but I don't have much faith in my "self-control". Who knows.

I'll bring this shit to Therapy.

I can feel my mind drifting now - which I suppose is quite good considering my need to sleep. I think I'll leave my phone and laptops all here in my office. I often take them with me to bed. Tonight - I will attempt to sleep without them near.

Wish me luck.
May the winds be at our backs and fill our sails with love and light.